Cigarettes.

I am a smoker.  I have been for the past 11 years of my life.  I began at age 12, smoking the same cigarettes my father did:  Camel non-filters.  I started small, maybe a cigarette a day or so.  By 14, I was fully addicted.  At 16, I was smoking a pack a day.

The reasons I smoke are many, and that is what I plan to go into in this entry.

First, they are relaxing, and for many reasons.  I thoroughly enjoy the 5 minute break from the madness of every day life.  Getting away, if only for 5 minutes, is probably the most relaxing thing I can think of.  While I like when others join me, the 5 minutes alone is most valued.  It gives me time to separate myself and to put my thoughts together.  I often go over what is going on at that time and what my responses to any given situation will be.  Especially on breaks from classes, I go over what we are learning in class in my head.  I review, contemplate, and reflect on what we're learning.  This is often the point in which I am truly comprehending the information.

The relaxation goes deeper, however - to a chemical level.  A quote from my "Schizophrenia and Cigarettes" paper: 

"The prepulse inhibition (PPI), or startle response, is the process in the brain that defines your reaction to outside stimuli and situations. PPI in those with schizophrenia is different, making response to external stimuli complicated and often confusing. Smoking helps to regulate these responses. It helps by enhancing the brain’s ability to filter out unwanted external stimuli, therefore causing the patient to feel more calm and collected. Smoking is shown to temporarily normalize the sensory disruptions of schizophrenia, associated with PPI."

Cigarettes are especially important to schizophrenics, such as myself.  It helps to reduce symptoms, such as hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia.  It helps with cognition, or the ability to process information, the general "thought" portion of the brain.  85 percent of schizophrenics smoke, versus about 20 percent of the normal population.  Schizophrenics often smoke 3 times as much as the average individual, and require more nicotine in their system.  This is another reason that I smoke non filtered cigarettes.  It is more than a habit to me, it is a medication.

On clear nights, smoking is even more attractive.  Being able to stare up at the night sky while I enjoy a cigarette is another major reason I smoke.  The 5 minutes of wonderment is so amazing, so irreplaceable.  It would take a lot more effort to get myself out there without my cigarette excuse.  Staring up at the sky is one of the reasons I live.  I want to know all about what is out there, how it works, and why it works.  

Yes, I also have a sort of emotional attachment to the habit.  It makes me go back to a simpler, more proper time, when men were men and women were women.  When morals seemed to be more correct, when this society of mine was a happier, more content place.  It reminds me of a time that I would like to live in, though I know I was born at the right time.

I realize all the harm I'm doing to myself.  I realize the risk of lung cancer.  I realize the risk of mouth cancer, throat cancer, and heart problems.  I know that I am killing myself by smoking cigarettes, but the benefits outweigh the negative.  If it improves the condition of my life, even if my life is shorter because of it, that is what is important.  I am a happier, more comfortable person because of cigarettes.  

So don't tell me to quit smoking.  I will not, I can not.