Cloudy outside.

The weather is terrible today, cloudy and drizzling. Really has an impact on my mood; can't wait until I move out to the Southwest sometime in the future. Arizona and New Mexico are beautiful and I can't wait until we achieve our dream of having a house out in the desert. I am overwhelmed by a dreamy sigh.

Anyway.
The Saphris really seems to be working, slowly but surely. We switched to 5 mg as needed, no more than 4 a day. Yesterday with the new dosage already was remarkably better. The paranoia has faded out a lot, and I feel less impulsive and out of control. The voices have faded, only bothering me a couple times a day as opposed to nearly all the time. The visual hallucinations are mild now, a step in the right direction. I am excited, though, with the improvement.

I'm worried about my friend. She's been talking about drugs, associating with drug users, and is very weak right now. I'm concerned she's going to relapse and get back into the drug scene. She told me she's coming over later so I can talk to her and express my concern. I hope it goes well, I don't want her to be mad or disappointed with me. I just want her to listen to me. She's a reasonable person, so we'll see how it goes. Crossing my fingers.

Next Tuesday is the last day of school for this semester, and I've got a project to complete and a final to study for. I plan to study all weekend, and I hope I actually do. I'm having a hard time sticking to my schedule, but I'm sure it'll get easier once I get used to it. The schedule has helped, some, though. I get things done because I actually set aside time to do it. Improvement!

For therapy this week, Beth wanted me to ask my parents about how I was as a kid to try and come to a conclusion or reason why I have anger issues and hate myself so much. I asked my parents, and they told me several things:
1. I never had the "terrible twos"
2. I never threw temper tantrums
3. I never wanted to be alone, and I couldn't seem to keep myself occupied alone
4. My dad has the same anger problems that I do (holding it in most of the time, until we snap.)
5. I didn't crawl, I just went straight to walking
6. I did a drawing of "the monster that watches me at night" at age 8-9.
7. I was scared of people yelling, especially my mom.

That's all I could get so far, my mom will continue to think about it though and let me know if she thinks of anything else. Those are some weird things, I was very mild mannered apparently. I know I was never much of a stereotypical teenager that argued with their parents all the time. I stayed pretty stable.

Well, time to get along with the rest of my day. Gotta do some studying.